Up to 20 percent of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. Annually in the U.S., 36,000 pregnancies end in stillbirth. In the wake of these losses, we don’t seem to discuss or console this kind of grief as we might do for others. But these are significant losses deserving of significant care.
Our own government agrees. In 1988, President Ronald Reagan deemed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. He said: “National Observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.”
Since 2006, October 15 in particular has been designated by the U.S. House of Representatives as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day for these babies. In my case, for two of my babies. Here are ways all of us can help moms like me and dads like Ryan in the remembering:
• An organization called Through the Heart offers support and resources for anyone experiencing pregnancy loss, either directly or indirectly. They’ve sent out an image to be shared on social media in an effort to help others speak out. I share it here for all of you.
• As Through the Heart and many bereavement groups, including this site dedicated to October 15, encourage us to do, light a candle at 7 PM in your respective time zone. Light up the world that way in memory of these babies.
• Author Monica Wesolowska is offering a book giveaway for her memoir, Holding Silvan: A Brief Life, about losing her firstborn son soon after birth. The contest ends November 2, so if you are doing something special this October, think about participating. In honor of this month, I have a book review of Holding Silvan up on Literary Mama. Please read it to learn more about this moving memoir and important story.
• Back in the U.S., various Remembrance Walks take place on October 15. I’d love to participate this year, but this isn’t a day that’s recognized here in Chile; I’ll have to reserve that solidarity for later years. I do know I’ll take a special walk with Ruby this day to remember.
• Reach out to someone you know who lost a baby. Don’t worry about “reminding them” of the pain. That’s not how this works. We remember year-round. We live on past these losses, but they remain touch stones for many of us for a long, long time. It’s been my experience that speaking out about losing Lorenzo when I was six months pregnant and about my subsequent miscarriage has led to the overall mental and physical health I have today, six months pregnant with new life. Your compassion may help others speak out and heal.
• Love each other. Hug your living, breathing child. Stare long at the ocean. Meditate. Listen to your favorite music. Light that candle. Say a prayer. Send in a heart to the Chain-Link Heart Project. Give something you have to someone who needs it. Read here for other resources, ideas, and ways to help. We appreciate any little thing that acknowledges that this day, for some of us, is different than the rest.
Thank you. <3